Episode 020 — Seasons Change (Beltane)

A bonfire can warm you up, light your face, and make you feel brave. It can also listen. We’re leaning into Beltane folklore with coffee in hand, starting with the real-world roots of the Celtic fire festival and sliding, on purpose, into the unsettling parts: cattle between twin fires, protection rites, burnt bannock, and the way old communities tried to keep the fair folk from getting too close.

From there, we step into the fae courts and talk about Nicknevin as more than a cartoon villain. We explore what she represents as a winter queen of the Unseelie Court, why the “hag” label misses the point, and how the seasonal handoff to Titania changes the whole emotional temperature of the myth. Beauty arrives, but it isn’t safe. Light shows up, but it can blind. Beltane becomes a doorway, not a party theme.

Then we give the spotlight to the Púca, the legendary Irish shape-shifting prankster who rides through stories as a black horse, a goat, a hound, and whatever else suits the night. And just when you think we’re done, we land in Oregon’s Coast Range for a modern campfire tale that answers one question clearly: what happens when you mock the woods and your fire turns purple?

If you like Celtic mythology, fae stories, supernatural horror, and folklore you can practically smell in the smoke, hit play, subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave us a review.

Transcript

Uncanny Welcome And Winter’s End

SPEAKER_13 0:01

Sleep now, she whispered, the sound vibrating through the souls of anyone standing near.

SPEAKER_00 0:08

The sun is a jealous king, and I have no stomach for his glare.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Welcome to the Dr. Kitsune Odd Bob Uncanny Coffee Hour.

SPEAKER_13 1:08

Where we're always respectful with a touch of impish irreverence. We tell stories with wit and wisdom.

SPEAKER_08 1:19

And a little creepiness.

SPEAKER_10 1:22

Well, hello there. How you been getting on? I'm Sortia, the only one in the uncanny coffee hour studio who can technically turn into a horse if the occasion calls for it. I help these two idits, Dr. Kitsune and Odd Bob, to bring tales of the strange and stories otherwise unheard alive. Cadmila Falcha. Pull up a chair and I'll go and get the kettle on.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Brought to you this week by Oddbob's wife.

SPEAKER_10 1:51

Suckin' spicy.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

Yep, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have these fancy microphones that allow us to put on the show. Oddbob's wife. Guaranteed to always be supportive and to laugh at just the right spots. Thanks, Lisa. You're the best.

SPEAKER_05 2:06

Odd Bob's wife had a baby. The best. Or three or four. Still pretty good.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Hey, Bubbert. Hey, how's it going? Pretty good. How you doing? I'm doing okay. What are you up to, Zertia?

SPEAKER_08 2:27

Well, I'm adjusting these knickers that keep plummeting into the valley of the cheeks.

SPEAKER_13 2:35

Maybe don't do that in public.

SPEAKER_08 2:37

There. Relief.

SPEAKER_13 2:39

Um, yeah, it's a nice day out. I'm happy to be here with you guys. This is thank you.

What Beltane Means And Why

SPEAKER_13 2:45

This is great.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

It's always great. And it is the last day of winter today. Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_13 2:53

Yeah, you're gonna do a bonfire tonight?

SPEAKER_02 2:55

Bialtane.

SPEAKER_06 2:56

Bieltina.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

Yeah. We might burn.

SPEAKER_13 2:58

Pour some Bialtane on there.

SPEAKER_06 3:00

Pronounced Bialtina.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

I said it correctly. No. Yes, I said it correctly.

SPEAKER_06 3:05

No, you didn't.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Man, why'd you always gotta correct me? Bieltane?

SPEAKER_06 3:09

Beltina.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Bialtane.

SPEAKER_06 3:10

Bialtina.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

Bialtane. Bialtane.

SPEAKER_06 3:12

Bieltina.

SPEAKER_13 3:13

If you say it fast enough, then it's right.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Bieltane.

SPEAKER_10 3:18

Not even close, you idits. Bialtina.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

I thought maybe I'd make some bannock and uh maybe burn a maiden.

SPEAKER_13 3:26

That's not cool anymore. You can't do that anymore, Mitch.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Sacrifices are good for everyone. We all must make sacrifices. I've made a lot of sacrifices.

SPEAKER_13 3:38

I think I'm done. Can I just be done for my life?

SPEAKER_10 3:43

No, you can't.

SPEAKER_13 3:44

What's that?

SPEAKER_10 3:45

It never kept the Faye away, for feck's sake, anyway.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

No, I didn't think so. Silly mortals. Did it scare you away?

SPEAKER_10 3:52

Do I look like the type to be scared away?

SPEAKER_13 3:59

You know, they they used to do that to uh protect the cows. So did it keep you away from the cows?

SPEAKER_10 4:06

The stink of the cows kept me away from the cows.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Well, alright. For our for our listening audience, those of you not familiar with Bialtain. Oh, yeah, we should probably tell them, huh? Yes. Would you like one of us to explain it or would you like to explain it? You go for it. Alright. So my understanding of it is it's a ritual that uh Celtic people uh kind of did to scare off the fay folk and to uh bless their crops and protect their cattle. And uh they would walk their cows around in a what is it, a counterclockwise, counterclockwise manner. And then they would uh between bonfires. Between bonfires. Yeah. Does that mean a figure eight?

SPEAKER_13 4:52

Yeah, I guess I guess it would be.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Well clockwise. You wouldn't have to, right? If you had two bonfires. Anyway, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 4:58

So Mary and Joseph.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Oh, you want to explain it? Um mucking it up? Okay.

SPEAKER_12 5:05

Well, let's just wait. Let's just let's let's us try to explain it.

SPEAKER_10 5:08

Yeah, this ought to be good.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

So then they would they would cook up a bunch of uh No no, go for it. Non. Like nonbread? Like non-bread. Yeah. Or what's the other hard tack, probably close fry bread or something? Or yeah. Or uh bannock. That's what you call it. That's what the Canadians call it. Bannock. The Cree make a lot of bannock. Anyway, that's another story for another time. So anyway, they'd cook up this bannock and they'd burn one piece intentionally. They'd throw all the bannock in a bag, and all the girls would reach in and grab a piece of bannock.

SPEAKER_13 5:41

Only the girls.

SPEAKER_09 5:43

Ah, yes. The patriarchy. Still alive and well, I might add.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Well.

SPEAKER_13 5:50

Sacrifice a man? No way.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yeah, only the girls are invited. So they'd grab a big piece of bannock. And then the one that gets the burnt bannock, the dark bannock. Yeah. Although I hear dark bannock is better. Tis the ones that get the dark bannock, they uh this is going somewhere. They drag they drag them and throw them in the fire as a uh And they called us monsters ritual sacrifice to um is it Svetlana? No. What's her name?

SPEAKER_13 6:22

Who's Svetlana?

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Is that like the Russian girl I knew? Next Trump wife. No, what was her name? Nine Nin tell what was her name?

SPEAKER_07 6:33

Nicknaven, Queen of the Unseally Court.

SPEAKER_02 6:36

They would throw her in the fire as a sacrifice to Nicknaven, as Nicknaven uh left the Earth realm into the Fey Realm and turned the world over to her uh sister or cousin, Titania.

SPEAKER_13 6:52

Next person in London.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Yeah, Titania, who is the uh the Fey Queen of Summer. Did I get that halfway right?

SPEAKER_10 7:00

Sisters, cosmic rivals, co-monarchs, one more authentic than the other.

SPEAKER_13 7:07

Well, if you want uh No, it's quite entertaining. Okay, we'll keep moving on then. Fine.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

Good enough, sounds like you really didn't care, it didn't scare you much. Yeah. So, anyways, um Nick Naven is really cool though. She is like the most badass of of Faye witches, she's the grandmother witch, and you know, the friggin' uh misogynistic uh people that of this new age kind of describe her as a hag, but I think she sounds friggin' awesome.

SPEAKER_13 7:45

Yeah, she sounds rap.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Beautiful. Walks around with a gray cloak, rides on clouds. She like floats, kind of floats along, she's got wild geese all around her.

SPEAKER_13 7:54

Yeah, and fay folk that sort of like prance behind her like a little entourage.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

And and people who are stupid enough to abandon their children or leave their children, she just takes those children in and turns them into little uh pixies or something, little fay folk, and they uh serve her as part of her army. And she's got something to do with the winter hunt also.

SPEAKER_13 8:16

This is sounding really familiar. Why you take in people and they become part of your army.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Yeah, I've got I've got some little folk that are part of my army. But uh yeah, I think uh, you know, if if they're trying to scare people with nicknaven, she sounds like one really cool lady to me.

SPEAKER_13 8:37

Yeah. And what's with throwing people in the fires? Just stop doing that. Like, that's not cool. Like, you I would like to think that we are more civilized now, but we're not.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

No.

SPEAKER_07 8:51

No. In many ways, it's worse now.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

No, don't throw people in the fire unless you're gonna eat them. Waste not want not.

SPEAKER_13 9:01

So did I tell you, you know, sometimes I forget how creepy it is to do these things with you until we're sitting down, you actually say stuff, and I'm like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Well, you know, I need some holy water. When I was a professor, I used to ask my students, uh, you know, if you're a vegetarian, please raise your hand. And my students would raise their hands, some of the other vegetarians would raise their hands, and uh the vegans would raise their hands, and and then I'd go on teaching, and and uh eventually someone would say, uh, professor, why did you want the vegetarians to raise their hands? I said, Oh, don't worry about it. It's another story for another time. And my my GTF would stand up and he'd smile and he'd say, His name was Pete. Pete would say, That's because he's gonna eat you first, come the collapse. And everybody would laugh. Except you. He said, I don't think he's joking. Well, if you think about it, rednecks are gonna taste really friggin' nasty because they eat all that nasty food. Yeah, whereas vegetarians, yeah, uh, they're gonna taste like grain fed.

SPEAKER_13 10:04

Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, you know, yeah. I always thought a shark would like me because there's lots of lots of fat. Good marbling. Yeah, exactly. Very similar to the seals they're going after.

SPEAKER_10 10:15

In a Himalayan play and crash type situation, I dichu boys.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Oh, you would eat me? Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 10:23

Uncanny coffee.

SPEAKER_02 10:27

And now a special word from our sponsor.

A Very Burny Sponsor Break

SPEAKER_02 10:31

Have you ever fallen into a beltane fire?

SPEAKER_05 10:35

Oh!

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Drawn a piece of burnt bannock?

SPEAKER_05 10:38

Oh no!

SPEAKER_02 10:39

Well, worry not. Just use a crush of Oddbob's ancient aloe. Squishy squishy. Guaranteed to soothe and heal those nasty sacrificial burns.

SPEAKER_04 10:50

Oh much better.

SPEAKER_02 10:52

Does the job just fine every time. Get some odd bob's ancient aloe today. Happy Beltane. Has anybody seen my eyebrows?

SPEAKER_13 11:02

Get some.

SPEAKER_12 11:03

I can't fume my face.

unknown 11:06

Get some.

SPEAKER_13 11:08

This is a bad idea.

Bright Fire Palm And Website Plug

SPEAKER_02 11:21

What is it you are drinking today, Sertia?

SPEAKER_10 11:25

Oh, I'm drinking the Tena Agan, also known as the Bright Fire Palm. It brings a touch of warmth and passion to the table, without relying on heavy baking spices like cinnamon or nutmeg. Instead, it uses ginger and honey, a symbol of sweetness and burgeoning growth.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

And you can find that recipe on our website. Yeah. We will have that recipe for you as soon as we can.

SPEAKER_13 11:52

We have a section there.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Yes, there is a section. I forget drinking section.

SPEAKER_13 11:58

I can look really quick.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

And we've got what? Bob's Silver Bullet or something on there? I don't remember what it's called.

SPEAKER_13 12:03

We have a couple of them. A couple of the recipes on there. Where did we put that?

SPEAKER_02 12:08

By the way, if you haven't done it, you should really check out our website. Uh w dot uncannycoffeepodcast.com. Oddbob has put a lot of work into it and it looks amazing. And we've actually got stuff in our um in our store now.

SPEAKER_13 12:30

Yes, we do. And adding more all the time.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

And there's uh some fun games to play. There's one of them, I think it's uh we have a psychic medium. By the way, if anybody's concerned about it, I'm a psychic extra large. I ran into a medium the other day and I told them I was an extra large and they didn't think it was funny.

SPEAKER_13 12:55

If you're curious for the recipes, just click on one of our pictures on the main page, and you can see that we have favorite drinks listed there. If you click on that, it's gonna take you to the recipes page.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

So uh yeah, look for that recipe on the website. What are you drinking, Bob?

Milk Arguments And Egg Logic

SPEAKER_13 13:13

I am having um some espresso. And uh Okay, this is gonna shock you. No. It's about one-third hemp milk and two-thirds oat milk. You know why? Why? Because I ran out of my hemp milk.

SPEAKER_10 13:34

I've run out of shit regarding your hemp milk obsessions, hippie.

SPEAKER_02 13:37

I wish you could all see my sad, sad face. My very sad face.

SPEAKER_13 13:43

Is it okay to mix those milks, do you think?

SPEAKER_02 13:47

I think um might give me some superpowers. No, not none of them should be drinking, drunk, drink, drink, drink, drink, drunk. No.

SPEAKER_12 14:00

They're good. They're good for you. Yeah. You don't you don't need that cow titty milk? Come on.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

I prefer my milk to come from the tea.

SPEAKER_13 14:13

Yeah. How do you think that happened first time around?

SPEAKER_02 14:18

I think there was some very deranged person who was probably uh what do you call him? Hungry. No. I think uh people that uh have sex with animals.

SPEAKER_13 14:34

But it happens other places, right?

SPEAKER_12 14:36

Like they're they some people drink the milk from horses.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah, why would anybody put their mouth on a horse's teeth? I don't know. Why would anybody put their mouth on any animal teeth? I don't know. It's just not right. It's not right. Anyway, it's also a little weird, I think, to eat eggs. I love eggs. It's a little weird though.

SPEAKER_13 15:03

It is a little weird, but I can eat eggs like crazy. The way I look at it is I don't want to eat the bugs, and so this is just like processed bugs.

SPEAKER_10 15:12

You're a weird one, hippie.

SPEAKER_13 15:14

Like the chickens took care of eating the bugs and then reprocessed it, repackaged it. It's a nicer package, bug. All right. There you have it then. It's protein. Yeah? There you have it. Although I don't like the little white connector things that are in there, and so sometimes I'll like filter those out.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

The stuff that looks like semen.

SPEAKER_13 15:34

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:36

Okay. Just wanted to be clear about that.

SPEAKER_10 15:41

Let's move on. You seem to be enjoying something there, Foxy Boy. What would that be?

SPEAKER_02 15:46

Why, yes, I am enjoying it. Thank you. It is a 500-mile chai that uh Denise made for me this morning. It's quite tasty.

SPEAKER_13 15:56

500 mile.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

I don't know why it's called 500 mile chai.

SPEAKER_13 15:58

Maybe there's a couple of the Scottish guys that didn't. I think it's because it'll keep you awake for walking 500 miles.

SPEAKER_02 16:07

Those are the men with hats or men without hats? I don't know who that is. I think it's men without hats. Anyway, I think it's called 500 mile chai because you can drive about 500 miles before you fall asleep after drinking this. But uh, she does a pretty good job. It's it's nice. Nice.

SPEAKER_10 16:25

Neither of you idts know how good you have it. Bless the women who put up with you.

SPEAKER_13 16:30

I have to make my own chai if I'm well drinking.

SPEAKER_09 16:33

Boofeckin' who get on with the show,

Creature Feature On The Púca

SPEAKER_09 16:36

will ya?

SPEAKER_13 16:36

Oh yeah. We should do a creature feature. And because it is uh Beltane.

SPEAKER_06 16:44

Bialtina.

SPEAKER_13 16:45

I realized we've never done one. Bialtain?

SPEAKER_06 16:48

Yes, Bieltina.

SPEAKER_13 16:50

Bialtane.

SPEAKER_06 16:50

Bieltina.

SPEAKER_13 16:51

Beltane. Because it's because it's Bialtane. Um we've never done one on the Puka.

SPEAKER_06 16:57

Oh, you thought of me.

SPEAKER_02 16:59

The Puka. The Puka. There's only one in my heart, yes. Um Puka's.

SPEAKER_10 17:04

I am the Puka for you buys.

SPEAKER_13 17:07

So would you like to do one?

SPEAKER_10 17:10

I'm the featured creature.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

Yes, you are a creature. You're a beautiful creature.

SPEAKER_13 17:15

Tell all listeners about the Puka.

SPEAKER_10 17:23

Well then. If it's a definition you're after, you're looking right at one. A Puka is a mischievous, shape-shifting creature of the old soil. We're neither entirely good nor entirely evil, mind you, but powerful spirits of nature who enjoy nothing more than playing a good trick on a foolish mortal. Our favourite bit of crack, of course, is taking the form of a grand, sleek black horse with eyes like burning coals, scooping up some unsuspecting traveller and taking them on a wild, terrifying midnight ride across the ditches and hills. Jesus, it's absolute magic. You see, we're the ultimate shapeshifters. We don't have just the one look. Most days you'll spot us as that jet black stallion with a flowing mane and eyes of gold or crimson. But if the mood takes us, we'll happily show up as a sleek black goat, a massive bull, a hound, or a great soaring eagle. Some of our lot can even pass themselves off as human-ish, though there's usually a giveaway if you look close enough. Like a stray bit of an animal ear or a tail tucked into the trousers. People call us pranksters, and sure, we're chaotic enough, but we're not entirely heartless. We've been known to look after a farm overnight, or warn a decent soul of danger ahead, provided you treat us with the proper respect and don't go acting the maggot. But come sowin' on the 1st of November. That's the Puka's share of the harvest. Let it be known far and wide. Anything left out in the fields after the sun goes down on October 31st belongs strictly to us. We'll ruin it for the rest of you with a bit of Puka spit, so don't go putting it near your mouth unless you want a curse on your stomach. And don't go lumping us in with those other miserable Irish spirits who do nothing but lurk in the shadows or wail your ears off as soon as look at you. Aye, I'm talking about you, Banshees. The Puka has the full gift of the gab. We speak your language perfectly, and, truth be told, we love nothing more than to sit back, have a chat, boast a little, give you a bit of utterly confusing advice, or tell you your fortune.

SPEAKER_02 19:57

Thank you. That was really wonderful.

SPEAKER_13 20:00

Yeah, that was great.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

I think that uh it doesn't do justice to the majesty of the Puka, though.

SPEAKER_13 20:09

No, not at all. I mean, this is a limited format. We're not going, you know, for an hour or something.

SPEAKER_02 20:15

You want an hour Puka special now?

SPEAKER_13 20:17

But we never go for an hour.

SPEAKER_09 20:19

Maybe you should reconsider that.

SPEAKER_13 20:22

It's a coffee 28 minutes. It's supposed to be 28 minutes. We've been going over. It's a coffee, whatever we feel like, really. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Okay, if you want an hour-long Puka special, you can have an hour-long Puka special. No, yeah, no, it's fine.

SPEAKER_10 20:39

I guess Puka's are not worth the airtime.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

I said, okay, okay. Yeah. I think it would be wonderful.

SPEAKER_13 20:46

Yeah, we just might not be here.

Nicknevin Sinks And Titania Rises

SPEAKER_13 20:50

You bring the beer.

SPEAKER_06 20:52

With friends like these, I'll be here.

SPEAKER_13 20:55

So I was thinking, going back to talking about those bonfires, um, and throwing people into them.

SPEAKER_08 21:02

Nice segue.

SPEAKER_13 21:03

But I wonder what kind of ghosts that made. Because there was a lot of people that were sacrificed. Yes. So do we have any stories around people that were burned from the burnt bannock? Burn burn bannock.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Bannock burning.

SPEAKER_13 21:23

Bannock burning. There's there's multiple like uh ways to take that, right? Because it's burnt bannock, but burnt bannock, they got burnt by the burnt bannock when they were thrown in the fire and burned.

SPEAKER_02 21:34

So nowadays, you know, they just drag the young lady towards the fire in a fake sacrifice, and then the rest of the night everybody ignores her and speaks of her in the past tense. Uh huh. And are I think they're just kind of dickish to her.

SPEAKER_13 21:51

Yeah, it sounds kind of mean. But it's probably better than being burned alive.

SPEAKER_09 21:55

Yeah, tank hemp boy.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

Well, yeah. Unless you're serving them up on bannock. That'd be a nice red.

SPEAKER_06 22:01

Now we're talking kitsune.

SPEAKER_02 22:03

Maybe some s some nice melty cheese with it. Barbecue sauce.

SPEAKER_13 22:13

Okay. So um there's gotta be a story like that. Do you either you guys know one?

SPEAKER_10 22:19

I think I have one, but you go first with the transition story you told me earlier, so I can collect me thoughts.

SPEAKER_13 22:29

So there's twin beltane fires on the hilltops to protect the cattle, to protect the people. They burned down to glowing embers, casting long skeletal shadows across the valley floor. The air was trapped in a strange paralysis too warm for the frost, too cold for the dew. In the center of the stone circle, Nick Naven stood tall. Her winter blue mantle was tattered at the edges, dissolving into grey mist. Behind her, the unsealy court. Twisted, sharp toothed, and hollow eyed, huddled in the shadows of the monoliths, their power waning with the rising light. Nicknaven raised her Rowan staff one last time. She didn't look at the horizon, she looked deep into the soil. With a voice like grinding tectonic plates, she spoke a word of release. I don't know what that word was. As she did, the ground beneath her be as she did, the ground beneath her began to soften, turning into peat dark slurry. She didn't walk away. She sank slowly, the queen of the wasteland submerged into the earth, her gray hair tangling with the roots of the hawthorn trees. Her court followed, skittering into rabbit holes and dissolving into the damp moss of the north-facing rocks.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

The sun is a jealous king, and I have no stomach for his glare.

SPEAKER_13 24:32

The atmosphere changed instantly. Heavy scent of ozone and whetstone was replaced by a sudden suffocating sweetness. It was the smell of crushed clover and wild honey. From the heart of the fading Beltane smoke, a shimmer appeared. It wasn't light, but a vibration in the air that made the eyes ache. Then came the sound, not the rhythmic thrumming of Nicknaven's host, but a chaotic bell-like laughter that seemed to come from the flowers themselves. You know, this sounds a lot like uh late at night when my grandkids won't go to sleep. My eyes hurt, and there's just this like laughter everywhere, and yeah, I I know it's a good thing, but at the same time, it's just that that sort of transformation is hard to get through sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

Titania is well in my swamp right now. I can hear her every night on the voices of the frogs and the crickets. Oh, the frogs. They sing me to sleep every night, so. Yeah.

SPEAKER_13 25:37

Okay. On with story. Titania stepped forth. Where her foot touched the blackened earth of the fire pit, white lilies erupted through the ash. She didn't wear the heavy wool or bone of her predecessor. Her gown was woven from the wings of dragonflies and gossamer of spiders, shifting colors like oil on water. And it was see-through, and you could see her boobies. I think it sounds like it's see-through.

SPEAKER_02 26:04

This is kind of turning me on. I wonder if Denise would dress up like that. It would dress up like that for me. It never hurts to ask, does it? What's that?

SPEAKER_13 26:15

I said it never hurts to ask.

SPEAKER_02 26:16

No. And I could tell her that Cersei will dress that way if she doesn't.

SPEAKER_13 26:22

Following her were the Sealy, creatures of terrifying beauty. What is terrifying beauty? Like I'm so scared. I've never been scared of beauty, yeah. Okay. Anyway, they were luminous and graceful, but their eyes held the predatory stillness of a hawk. They didn't hide in the shadows, they rode the sunbeams. Their laughter sounded like breaking glass. Tityana looked down at the iron key left by Nicknevin. She didn't touch it. Iron is a poison to her kind. It's a reminder of the cold world below. Instead, she gestured with a hand as pale as a moon beam, and a vine of briar rose grew over the key, burying it in thorns and blossoms. The mother has gone to the deep, Titania announced. Her voice like a flute played in an empty hall.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

The shadows are locked away. Let me try this again. To burn with beauty.

SPEAKER_13 27:34

Wow, that sounded just like a flute.

SPEAKER_02 27:40

Sorry, my voice isn't as feminine as I'd like it to be.

SPEAKER_13 27:43

She turned towards the village, her smile wide and slightly too sharp. The transition was complete. The creepy truth of the Beltane mythos was revealed. While Nick Nevin was a cold, harsh mistress. Mistress mistress. I sound like Sean Connery there for a second. She's a cold harsh mistress. She was honest in her darkness. Titiana brought the light, but it was a light that could blind a beauty that demanded the heavy price from any mortal who dared to join her dance. That's it. That was good. I think we did a great job. What do you think, Sersha?

SPEAKER_10 28:27

That was a lovely precious little yarn, so it was. Really, I found it completely endearing how you managed to stretch a two-minute story into a whole ten-minute nap for the listeners. Bless your patience, because I certainly wouldn't have the stamina to make folklore sound so exhausting. Fair does to you. It's a gift to be that uncomplicated.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Thank you.

SPEAKER_10 28:49

Yeah, thanks.

SPEAKER_02 28:51

I think that was a compliment. Can you call that a a half-assed compliment? Oh I am not sure what you're talking about. Oh lovely.

SPEAKER_09 29:02

Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_02 29:02

No, I didn't call you back candid. Yeah. Half-assed compliment. Half-ass compliment.

SPEAKER_13 29:08

Whatever.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

No, it wasn't a half-ass reading of the story.

SPEAKER_13 29:10

I'm going to take it as a compliment.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_13 29:13

What'd you think?

Rain Love And A Mayflower Riddle

SPEAKER_02 29:15

I like that. That was a good story. And I gotta say, you know, of the seasons, Titania and uh Nick Naven. You gotta love them both.

SPEAKER_13 29:29

I finally, after so many years here in Oregon, have decided that I'm okay with the rain, the heavy rain. I love the rain. I've always loved it. I I didn't when I was younger, but it grew on me because uh you realize what it brings. And it's like this time of year and summer are perfect here.

SPEAKER_02 29:49

By the way, I do have a riddle for you. Okay. If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Uh I don't know. Feckin' pilgrims is what they bring.

SPEAKER_13 30:05

Colonizers.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Colonizing armies. No, the pilgrims weren't so bad. We just didn't know they had so many relatives. We said, come on over, eat some turkey. Wait a minute. You got that many relatives? Jeez, right.

SPEAKER_13 30:25

Let's uh head on over to Roanoke.

Cassie’s Bonfire Party Turns Wrong

SPEAKER_10 30:33

Hello, beautiful listeners, and welcome back to the uncanny coffee hour. It's just me for this one. Bob and Mitch are well, let's just say they knew better than to interrupt a puka when the seasons are turning. We're deep into the green months now, but the echoes of Bell Tane still linger in the mist of the Willamette Valley. The locals here, at least the ones with sense, know better than to mess with the transition of the seasons. But every year, without fail, a few foolish outsiders head up into the coast range to drink, laugh, and party around big bonfires. They think the woods are just a backdrop for their little lives. They don't realize the woods are watching. Take Cassie, for instance. Twas just a few years back, and Cassie was the type of girl who thought folklore was nothing more than an aesthetic, pretty pictures and captions for social media, while the older folks down in the valley were doing the proper, like laying Rowan branches over their doors to keep the Nickniven's dark court at bay. Cassie was up on the ridge at a bonfire party, drinking, laughing, and mocking the old ways. She even climbed right up onto a giant cedar stump, looking out into that pitch black wall of trees. She raised her cup and shouted right into the freezing wind. Hey Nicknavin! I'm still waiting for my invitation to the ball. You too old to dance, or too ugly? Her friends laughed. Of course they did. But the fire didn't find it funny. The flames had been a healthy, roaring orange, but the moment the words left her mouth, they sucked inward. Suddenly, the flames turned a dry, suffocating violet. The temperature dropped so fast that everyone's breath instantly turned to thick mist. That disrespectful Cassie sneered. She stepped closer to the embers, looking down. That's when the ash erupted. A hand shot out from the white hot center of the bonfire. A hand not made of flesh, me darlings. The charred, articulated bone and wet, heavy peat gripped her bare ankle. Those who were there say the sound wasn't a scream. They say it was worse. A wet, awful sizzle as she hit the scorching hot flames as she was pulled flat. Then, before anyone could even blink, the hand jerked backward. Cassie was pulled into the fire. Not onto the logs, but through them. Down into the dark, hungry earth beneath. Her friends frantically kicked the burning logs apart, screaming her name and sobbing, tearing at the dirt in a desperate attempt to save her. They found nothing. Nothing but a single blackened hiking boot, and a patch of scorched earth that smelled of wild honey and ozone. I'll tell you this for nothing. The party spots up on the ridge have changed since that night. Campers still go up there, of course, especially the ones who like to drink too much and mock the superstitious locals. But they don't stay long. They'll be sitting around their own campfires when, suddenly, the woods go unnaturally silent. The crickets stop. The frogs die down. And then they see her. A girl in a tattered dress, standing just at the very edge of the firelight, unmoving. Perfectly still. A dark silhouette against the deep black of the fir trees. Then her face will turn slowly with the wind. A half-charred nightmare with teeth, tendons, blood, and pus, and a charred exposed eyeball staring straight at them. So, if you're hiking up in the coast range tonight, dear listener, watch what you say to the shadows. And if your fire turns purple, know that running won't save you. Stay safe. Stay uncanny. And don't forget to leave a little something out for the fair folk.

SPEAKER_01 35:11

Thanks for

Stay Uncanny And Final Notes

SPEAKER_01 35:12

listening. Join us next time for more uncanny chat and coffee and tea. You can find out more about us, read show notes, and get your uncanny merch at wuncnycoffeepodcast.com. Until next time, remember Never whistle a night.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

As of this recording, the Bill of Rights is still in effect. And above all else, remember we are not all monsters.

SPEAKER_13 36:15

Dr.

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Kitsune and Ubob's Uncanny Coffee Humber is produced by Min Chi Kyoto Kitsume and Mammissal. And copyright protective and rabble laws, foreign, domestic, and supernatural by the unsealy court.

SPEAKER_13 36:32

It's always good when we make farm noises.

SPEAKER_11 36:34

Get away from that fire, you cow! Get away from that fire!

SPEAKER_13 36:38

Look at how disappointed Gracie looks.

SPEAKER_11 36:40

Are you walking clockwise? You should be walking counterclockwise, you goddamn cow.

SPEAKER_13 36:45

Do you see how disappointed she looks? Now she's looking at me like she's begging me to make you stop.